I had one of the most touching and heartfelt phone conversations with my cousin a couple of days ago. Previously, I had sent her something I wrote that was deeply personal, having to do with feelings of grief and loss that I'd been experiencing recently. I was so embarrassed by these writings that the next day I wrote her and apologized for sharing my sadness.
But instead of chastising or treating me with indifference, she called me and told me she had been so incredibly touched by what I wrote that it resonated with her soul just as purely as it had come from mine. She asked me to share it here. But I can't. To me, it was just way too personal.
What I do have to share here is a metaphorical parallel.
It's 1:30AM and I just came in from watering my herb garden. I often work creatively at these hours when the world is quiet. Our air here has finally cleared and tonight there is an offshore wind blowing, my wind chimes gently play their music and the night sky is alive with stars. As I was watering I realised that, for the first time in many months, I could actually SMELL my herb garden. The richness of the lavender intermingling with the various notes of mint, basal and rosemary - it was such a magical sensory experience for my physical senses - I stood there transfixed and absorbed in the sheer beauty of the moment. As I'm typing this now, a gentle breeze continues to carry these wonderful smells and sounds through the open back door into my studio.
Those herbs and stars have been there all along - but I was unable to really experience them fully until tonight when conditions had changed, altering my perceptions. This is the second time this has happened to me recently. Because I allowed myself to be open to it.
I've been feeling a little lost lately. Unsure about where I actually belong in the creative world or with whom and how much I should be sharing of my self and my creativity. As my ideas, concepts and vision have exponentially expanded in some areas there's been a perceptible falling-away and distancing from many of the people that were once in my immediate circle. It felt very disheartening and confusing at first. It felt lonely and made me begin to question whether or not I was following the right path, making the right decisions.
These new thoughts, ideas and concepts I have are so exciting to me, they make me feel so alive and vital - they render feelings of pure joy in my soul. But when they began to have an adverse effect on those around me and were received with something less than indifference, I suddenly felt very small and selfish - I wondered to myself - perhaps its wrong to feel this joyful about one's work.
It was in this moment of self doubt and reflection that I recalled how angry Sarah had become once when she discovered that someone had literally made me feel completely ashamed because I was "too creative".
She sternly admonished me - "Don't you ever, EVER dim your light because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. Their fears and insecurities have nothing to do with how talented you are and it's not your job to make yourself small to accommodate them. It's YOUR JOB to shine your light as brightly as you possibly can."
I could clearly hear her voice in my head, recalling that conversation, and just as this memory flashed through me I got an email notification from a group of people, as it turns out, MY people, (LGBTQ) inviting me to share my work with them.
This has been a year of miraculous events for me. Miraculous timings, things happening at EXACTLY the right moment, putting me in EXACTLY the right place for what comes next. Rather than a series of mere coincidences, it has become undeniable for me that I am caught-up in the flow of an organizing energy that is utterly beyond my understanding. As I surrender more and more to this energy, my experience of life just keeps becoming more and more deeply joyful and fulfilling.
Until next time ... I shall leave you with this song - and introduce (yes, yet another new big idea from me) private, commercial free, audio file sharing from my studio's music library.
This is a Christmas song from the 1992 Film '"Toys" - it is the very first piece of music I ever adapted to one of my own films. But it is the lyrics and the uplifting joyful power of the song that I so love, it seems especially poignant right now given our current world situation.
May it fill you with the same expansive feelings joy and hope that it does me -
"If I cannot bring you comfort Then at least I bring you hope For nothing is more precious Than the time we have and so We all must learn from small misfortune Count the blessings that are real Let the bells ring out for Christmas At the closing of the year ...
Now all the winter bells are ringing
Hear the Echo through the Snow
And the children's voices singing
on the street do far below ...
This the time to be Together
And the Truth is somewhere here
Within our love All People
At the Closing of the Year
We'll walk in the Sun
With All of the Pain
and All of the Patience
All of the way
with all of us right
and all of us same
Love One Another ...
We'll Fly in the arms of Time
Walk in the Waves, never fall
Don't fall ...
At the Closing of the year ..."