The Squirrel of Judgment

The book is late. Everything is late. Nothing is getting done.

I got side-tracked once again by absolutely worthless bullshit. Over the past 10 years, with only one exception, I have made horrifically bad choices in my personal life. The word "horrifically" really cannot even do justice to the severity of the stupidity and naïveté I have displayed with online dating. The last 5 years have been the worst of all - a constant train-wreck in slow motion.

Covert Narcissists are drawn to me like horny little moths around a porch light. Let's all sing along - "This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let it Shine" They feed on my never-ending supply of patience, love and empathy. They feed and feed and feed and feed and when they are done feeding - they discard me like yesterday's gum wrapper.

This last one was the worst of all because I allowed her to do this not ONCE, but TWICE. Like - How stupid are you really, CM? It's akin to slamming yourself in the head with a sledge hammer and then doing it again to be sure it REALLY hurt the first time.

I can't even blame this on COVID lock-down loneliness or senility. Nobody in their right mind could possibly be THAT lonely or senile.

Although I don't typically write to you here, Dear Reader, about the perpetual disaster that is my personal life, I'm doing so now because I am tired of carrying it on my back - this weight of guilt and shame I carry every damn day that reminds me how absolutely stupid I've been. How I should have known better. How I knew ALL the warning signs and saw all the red flags and went charging right into a world of hurt without a moment's hesitation.

So, the Squirrel of Judgment says - "You, CM Ralph, are a complete idiot and if there is something worse than being a complete idiot - you are that, also."

Until next time ...